The Fat Girl & The Antidepressant

So the last few months have been really hard. I had the hardest time a few months ago and I thought it was getting better… But it’s not. It’s made this journey soooooo hard. How am I supposed to work on losing the fat girl when I’m so down? When getting out of bed each day feels like a huge accomplishment.

It’s less than eight weeks to my first triathlon and my training has been all over the place. I’ve been finding it impossible to get out of bed for training before the boys wake up, I just haven’t been able to do.  This makes finding time to workout that much harder. I’ve been getting a couple of rides in a week but that’s all.  Failing to do the training I know I need to do just makes makes me feel worse.

Then there’s the food… Eating … It hasn’t been good. My depressed state craves sugar and I’m in no mood to argue . I’ve been weighing myself and my weight hasn’t gone up too much, which is amazing in itself. 

I’ve been trying to resist the binges, most of the time I’m okay.  Still overeating all the time but no real binges.  No sitting down and stuffing myself so full I feel ill. I’ll sit down and eat far too many biscuits but not the whole packet and as far as I can see that is a victory.  Maybe a small one but I’ll take it.

“Old fat Kelly” has even disappeared.  She’s been replaced by “depressed Kelly” and I don’t like her one little bit.  Quite frankly she scares me.  She doesn’t care about anything, she’s totally numb.

After an altercation with the hubby I was forced to admit that something had to change.  Feeling happy shouldn’t be so hard.  So I went to the doctor and have started on antidepressants.

It’s early days but I’m hoping that life will pick up. I can get back into proper training.  I’d even welcome “old fat Kelly”  at this stage.  I’m hoping for a fresh start on my journey and too be back on triathlon track before I know it.

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Tri, Tri and Tri Again

I think I’m a little obsessed … with triathlons.

I decided I needed something to really kick-start this journey again.  My head is still having a bit of a hard time and the food side of things is still on a real rollercoaster.  So I’ve turned back to triathlon training.  Something to focus on, something to work towards, a goal I know I can achieve.  I was over the moon to find a new womans triathlon series (we still have a fair way to go before reaching “real” sprint triathlon level), which means THREE triathlons this summer.

This discovery excited me no end.  I wouldn’t shut up about it, much to Hubby’s disgust I’m sure.  Jumping around the room doing a happy dance I was.  Then one thing put a damper on things … two of the triathlons are on consecutive weekends.

Am I up to doing a triathlon two weekends in a row?  Well right now I’m not.  But it’s not until the end of February …. 24 weeks away.  24 weeks sounds like a long time … is it really?  Indecision is pull at me.  “Old Fat Kelly” is sitting in her corner, snickering, taunting me … “of course you can’t”, “you’ll still be sore from the first one, you can do two in a row”, “you’re two fat!”  While all this is going on all I’m thinking is “why is she always sitting?”  I’ve never thought about it before but “old fat Kelly” is always sitting down, maybe that’s why she’s so fat, she never does anything.  Then I realise that I’m not really paying attention to the voice in my head … I don’t care that she says I can’t.  I decided I can.  So sign me up, three triathlons this summer, first start of December then two at the end of February.  I’m pumped!

So the training begins.  I’m getting organised properly this year.  I’ve done some research (thanks Google) and got a proper triathlon training plan.  I even found one where I could put in the distances and it the time I had and it worked out what I should be doing.  Having a plan excites me.  Something to hold me accountable.  if it’s in front of me, telling me what I need to do then I know I have to do it.  There are a couple of things that I will change.  Some of the bike rides seem too short and I have to put two swim sessions on the plan a week, so I’ll go for a few longer rides and I’m only going to the pool once a week.

All in all I’m feeling good.  I’ve been reading up on triathlons and triathlon training.  Even looking into nutrition.  It’s got me out exercising again and I’ve found myself thinking about what I’m eating more, and if it will be good fuel for what I want or need to do.  I feel like a bit of a fraud since I’m only doing little, short womens triathlons and don’t really need to get too intense, but it seems to be helping.  If it’s going to help me get back on track I’m sticking with it … even if it’s a major over kill.  Bring it on I say.  Goodbye “Old Fat Kelly”.

It’s been awhile ….

This is the song I have in my head while typing that and it seem appropriate  right now (it’s also one of my favourite songs from back in my younger days 🙂 ).  I see it’s been two months since I posted anything.  There’s been a couple of reasons, we’re dairy farmers and calving started 3 weeks ago meaning I don’t even know what day of the week it is half the time and struggle to find time to clean my house.

The other reason is a major event/issue/upheaval (I’m not sure exactly how to describe it) it my personal life that threw me completely off track.  It hit me completely unexpectedly out of left field and left me reeling for quite a while.  During this time, all exercise got put aside and healthy eating went out the window … and I make no apologies for it either.

My mental state at the time needed comfort food.  Chocolate,  lollies, ice-cream, desserts of any kind really.  “Old fat Kelly” should have been over joyed but I was in a place where I couldn’t even hear her voice anymore.  One thing I realised through this though is I have changed through the journey I’ve been on to rid myself of her.  There was no bingeing during this time, “Old fat Kelly” would have stocked up on crap and proceeded to eat it all in one sitting, resulting in feeling sick and horrible.  I may have turned to food for a bit of comfort but I didn’t return to bingeing.  I may have snacked on biscuits or chocolate but I wasn’t eating a whole packet in one sitting.  I was definitely eating too much of the comfort food but there is a difference between over eating and bingeing.  Realising this brought me a little bit of hope.

I was brave and got on the scales yesterday, afraid of what damage I’d see in the number.  I knew I’d put on some weight, from the way my clothes were fitting and with what I was eating how would it be possible not too.  I was expecting the worst, preparing myself to be heavier than when I started this blog … but I wasn’t.  Pleasantly surprised, I found that I have only put on just over 2kgs * does a happy dance around the bathroom*.  Another bit of hope right there.

Now I’m coming out the other side of the crap place I’ve been in I’m ready to face “Old fat Kelly” again.  It’s good to know that this hasn’t set me right back to where I was a year ago.  It’s great to know that I have actually changed while on this journey, habits have been broken and even a major setback doesn’t spell disaster in the fight to lose the fat girl.  So onwards and upwards I say, time to get back on track and kick “old fat Kelly” to the curb.  Superwomen is back!
wonder-woman

As a side note.  If anyone in New Zealand knows of any runs and/or walks, fun bike rides (I don’t have a road bike …yet 🙂  so can’t be too hard out) or swims (I REALLY want to do an open water swim this year) in the Waikato, Bay of Plenty/Rotorua maybe even Taupo or south Auckland areas I’d love it if you’d let me know, I’m always on the look out for things to keep me motivated.

What is so bad about coming last?

I love this post and totally agree. I entered my first 5km trail run on Sunday. Now I am still a bit away from actually being able to run for a whole 5km non-stop and it was a train run that included going up and down a sizeable hill with giant steps and a random vertical drop. I knew this going in (well except for the drop that was a surprise) and could have entered the 5km walk instead. But I didn’t, I put on my bill girl panties and entered the run, I was joined by a lovely lady from the Losing the Fat Girl Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/634881956579217/ for anyone who’s interested) and we finished the 5km. On the results sheet I am last, one second behind her lol, but last. Do I care? Nope, couldn’t give a shit. We were only 2 minutes slower than the next runner and we did finish in front of a fair few of the walkers too. I’m so proud of what I did that I couldn’t give a hoot about coming last on paper.
I entered a run … me running (or sloth like jogging really but it’s still more than a walk). And managed to finish it in what I know is a pretty good time for me considering the course. My mother-in-law gave me a look of pitty when I said I came last and I laughed at her. Who cares? Someone has to come last and at least I was out there doing it. The real losers are those that didn’t even try.

The Fat Girls Guide To Running

There are only two certainties within any kind of running race.

A runner will come first and another will come last.

In some cases there will only be a millisecond in it, perhaps requiring a photo finish and in others there could be an hour or mores wait for the last person to come home.

Who cares? Someone has to come last.

So why is coming last the number one fear among plus sized runners? I know it’s not only overweight runners that fear this, but it seems to be the worst case scenario for many runners carrying extra weight, often a barrier for entering a race in the first place…including even the more informal timed runs such as parkrun.

What is it? Shame, embarrassment, disappointment, frustration? Someone has to bloody well come last.

So in the 100 meter sprint final at the London 2012 Olympics lining up against Usain…

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Naproxenand Anti-Flamme Extra

I’m still here.  I know it’s been awhile but I’m still trucking.  So I’ll do a little catch up;

*Still trying to “run”.  Have started a c25k program (only in the first week but so far so good).

*The bike’s been given a rest.  It’s too dark and too cold in the morning to entice me out of bed and on to the bike … and I’ve decided to focus on the c25k program.

*Eating is still a bit crap, not “old fat Kelly” style binges or anything but not as healthy as I should.

*The scales are stagnant.  Not that I’m really surprised, see point above ^

*Next walk/run has been entered for June 1st, it’s 5km with a HILL!!!! I hate hills 😦 Like REALLY hate hills.

Biggest problem I have at the moment is my tendons.  I’ve had pain in my wrist for months and every time I do a walk with hills I get sore calves, oh and I’ve had random pain through the top of my ankle … All caused by tendons. 

After helping Hubby in the cowshed and having the worst wrist pain ever I decided that I better see the doctor.  While, she’s a little bit concerned that so many tendons are giving me grief at the same time (the million tubes of blood taken will check everything is okay though), she said I’m going to hard.  “Old fat Kelly” did a happy dance when she heard this, free pass to stop exercising … so I told her to F off (“old fat Kelly” not the doctor lol).  So I’ve been prescribed Naproxen (cool ass anti-inflammatory) and advised to use Anti-Flamme Extra rub (mean as natural rub).  I’m hoping that the mixture of the two with added painkillers prior to the race will get me through the 5km in a fortnight without dying.

I’m a little bit worried about this walk/run.  It’s only 5km so it’s not too long, but hubby and I walked the track (or as close to it as we could get) on Tuesday and there is a fairly good hill at the start of it … with steps.  Then you have to come down again.  Not so bad I hear you say down is better than up.  And “old fat Kelly” sitting in her corner mumbling “why bother going up if you’re just going to come down again?”  But this downhill also has steps …big ones … no not just big, BIG ones.  Like drops of a foot or more.  Steps only a giant could actually step down.  I’m only 168cm, these are big drops.  I’m not sure which I’m more worried about, getting up the hill without doing anything to my calves or coming down without falling on a GIANT step.

I had hoped to enter this as a run and actually “run” (or Kelly’s version of “run” which is really more like a really slow jog) at least half of it. Not in one go obviously but as a total.  Now I’m not so sure.  After the first 1km or so (by that I mean the hill) the track looks like it will be reasonably flat and have a lot of sections that I think I could “run” without killing myself.  But will I be able to?  After conquering the hill will I be able to force myself to “run”?  Or should I just enter it as a walk and forget about running?  I just don’t know. 

“Old fat Kelly” is sitting in her corner saying “if you have to do this stupid 5km just walk it.  Why kill yourself trying to run?  You’ll just make a fool of yourself and look like a twat.  Don’t shame yourself by trying, you’ll probably fail, just walk it.  At least you know you can do that.”  TO PROVE THAT I CAN!!!!!!!!!  And even if I can’t, at east I tried.

Grrr she makes me mad.  I make me mad, since she is me and I am her.  One day I will get rid of “old fat Kelly”, one day I wont have that voice in my head, trying to hold me back, one day I will lose the fat girl.  Now, I’ve got a run to enter.

 

 

 

 

Diets Don’t Work!

Atkins, HCG, Paleo, South Beach, Sugar free, Carb free, Wheat free, Zone, Blood type, Fast (5:2), Lemon Detox, Raw food, Grapefruit, Baby food, 4 Day, 02, Mediterranean, DASH, TLC, Mayo clinic, Slim-fast, SureSlim, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Macrobiotic … All diets.

I could full this whole post just listing different diets.  Put the word diet into Google and you get About 150,000,000 results. The words Weight loss diet returns about 302,000,000 … you know give or take a couple of hundred thousand.  It’s plain crazy.  The diet industry is making BILLONS of dollars every year, convincing people that to lose weight they need to follow their diet … and once that one’s gone out of fashion the same people are no doubt already on to convincing you that their new diet is the one for you.  To me it’s simple; if these diets worked people would lose weight and keep it off, then there would be less demand for diets and overtime the industry would shrink …. guess what THAT AINT HAPPENING!!!!  It’s growing, so obviously these “magical diets” don’t work.  Plus, I can guarantee you that everyone knows someone who’s been on a diet and failed, probably many people and probably many different diets.  I have tried a few myself over the years … the didn’t work.  I know there are going to be those that argue, but the did work for me or someone I know, if that’s true then I’m very happy for you/them but that is a TINY minority.

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The reality is, in general, diets are temporary food plans that help you to lose weight and MANY people do lose weight while on the plan.  The problem is once they stop following the plan and start eating freely again, most fall back into their old eating habits (the ones that made them fat to start with) so the weight comes back on.  EVERY inelegant adult know this.  Deep down everyone knows diets don’t work, but being fat eats away at you so you grasp on to the hope that this diet might be “the one”, might be some sort of magic plan or pill or shake that will melt the fat fast and keep it off FOREVER!  Well, hate to burst your bubble but it aint going to happen.  The only way to lose weight and keep it off forever is to change your life.

Yip, your whole life.  Revamp your entire lifestyle, throw out the habits that are making you fat and replace them with ones that will lose the weight and keep it off.  The changes have to be forever, you can’t think about it as a diet it’s not, it’s simply your life now, there is no end to this eating plan.  Will it be fast? … nope.  You will struggle, slip back into old habits, and get SO feed up that you just want to quit, but if you stick with it you can change your life.

Haha, look at me sprouting on about how diets don’t work and you need to change your life, what do I know?  I’m still fat?  How hypocritical is that?  Let me tell you something, I’ve been there, done diets, lost weight only to gain it all back again.  But I am intelligent and I do realise that diets are not the answer so instead I’m overhauling my life.  I may have only lost 7kgs in the last 6 months but I’m working on it.  I’m making small changes because I know that I could deal with a whole lot of changes at the same time.  It’s SOOOOOO slow that it gets hard not to just give up at times, 7kgs is NOTHING in the scheme of what I need to lose.  I’ll admit that I have been struggling with this lately, feeling like I’m getting no where.  Wondering why I’m bothering at all.     Thinking I may as well give up and accept that I’ll always be fat and probably die young due to something obesity related.  Then I cry, then I eat … lately there has been a bit of that going on … then I give myself a kick up the butt.  While it’s disheartening to feel like you are putting in more effort than what you are getting back in kgs lost, I know I’m working in the right direction.

I see lots of people around me on diets and I really worry, can they continue the way they are indefinitely (in most cases I really can’t see it).  How is it going to affect them if they fail?  If they can’t sustain it and weight comes back on.  My wish for tonight is that everyone on a diet or eating plan takes a hard look at what they are doing and if it’s really what they should be doing.  Only you can make that decision.  I know how heartbreaking it is to “fail” at a diet.

……Just think about it.  Any get off those scales, weighing yourself EVERYDAY isn’t good, your weight naturally fluctuates, do it once a week or even better once a month.  Obsessing about it doesn’t help.

The Easter Bunny Has Arrived

It’s official, Easter has arrived in our house.  Hot cross buns and chocolate eggs for Africa.  The joys of Easter weekend.

bd-bucket-of-easter-eggs
I don’t understand why people feel the need to buy my boys chocolate for Easter, they are 3 and 1, there is only so much chocolate they can eat.  All that happens is they throw a hissy fit when I tell them they have had enough and wont let them eat all of the giant chocolate bunny they were given in one hit.  Then all the chocolate is just sitting around and hubby and I end up eating most of it.  Not such a big deal for slim, fit hubby … but for fat old me it is.

Then there is hot cross buns … yummmmm.  While I love chocolate (doesn’t every girl?) I’m a carb girl and hot cross buns are my absolute favourite.  Warm, a bit toasty on the outside with butter … *drool* sorry got a bit side-tracked … I could eat a whole pack in one sitting.  That is exactly what “old fat Kelly” would like me to do.  Stuff myself with hot cross buns, then wash it down with a bit of chocolate egg (or multiple whole chocolate eggs) for dessert.  She’s jumping up and down demanding that I do just that.  Throwing around arguments like, “it only happens once a year”, and constantly reminding me that all the goodness is sitting right in my cupboard.

Add on top of that the fact that the weather has been pretty crap so I’ve been stuck inside quiet a bit with two boys who just want to go outside and it’s a recipe for disaster.  *Sigh* I’ve been really naughty and given into “old fat Kelly” and decided I’m going to enjoy Easter and get back on track Tuesday.  I know it’s not the best attitude to have and I don’t intend on going so far off the wagon that I actually eat a whole pack of hot cross buns (with butter) and multiple chocolate eggs in one sitting.

Instead I decided that I need to be realistic, there is all this chocolate in my house because it is Easter so I am going to eat some … well likely a lot more than some, likely well more than I should.  But what I’m not going to do it is continue to eat like that.  Once the Easter chocolate is gone I wont be keeping chocolate in the house on a regular basis.  As for hot cross buns … well they wont be on sale so I don’t have to worry about that because while I also love fruit bread it’s just not quiet the same and doesn’t have quiet the same pull.

While coming to this conclusion I thought about all the skinny people I know and realised that most of them over indulge at Easter, the difference between then and “old fat Kelly” is they only do it at Easter and she would do it ALL THE TIME is she was given free regain.  That’s the difference rather than do it occasionally “old fat Kelly” did it all the time.  Since this journey is not about going on a diet just to lose the weight, it’s about making small lifestyle changes that will add up to a new (slimmer) Kelly living a new life and keeping it forever I need to live like a slim person.  So I will allow myself to over indulge in the Easter goodies (but I will resist the “old fat Kelly” styled bingeing, which is NOT slim person behaviour) and not feel guilty about it.

Once it’s gone, that’s it, it’s over, back to healthy normal eating … but I do have my fingers crossed that it’s fine enough in the morning for a bike ride, I’m feeling a little house bound and I need to burn off some calories before I join the boys in an egg hunt (and resulting egg eating).
Happy Easter everyone!  Don’t sweat the Easter chocolate, it will be gone before you know it lol
easter-wallpaper-happy-bunny-bunnies-cute-cartoon-array-wallwuzz-hd-wallpaper-2933

11km … Did it!

So the madness has passed.  Saturday morning the wonderful Laura and I set out on our 11km walk (part of the Rotorua Xterra festival).  The course was two 5.5km laps of the beautiful Blue lake.

The first lap went really well, both feeling really good we set out on our second lap.  This lap was a slightly different course, cutting out the road section and replacing it with single track ending in stairs back up to the original course.  Now, I had every intention of counting the stairs as we went up, I hate stairs and have this thing where I like to know how many of the dam things I had to climb.  However, I got to 60 and lost count 😦  I’m not sure how many there was, but it was a lot.  It almost killed us … well not really but it made us work hard, but we did it and then continued on to finish the walk.

Thinking back on it this a wonderful achievement.  Six months ago I would have struggled to finish the first 5.5kms, let alone 11km and I know for a fact that those stairs would have killed me.  I actually would have had to sit down and recover before I could move on, but not now.  “Old fat Kelly” would have given up … oh let’s be honest “old fat Kelly” would never have done it in the first place.  Unless Hubby had dragged her kicking and screaming on an “easy bush walk”.

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I actually feel proud of myself. 1) I finished an 11km walk.  2) I decided to enter the even all on my own, no one pushed me into it.  3) I actually enjoyed it 🙂  Yes it was hard work (especially towards the end).  Yes my muscles are sore and it’s a little bit painful to walk still two days later, but I did it.  I was even brave enough to have a photo take to share with you all just after finishing.

xterra

There’s a sense of pride you get from just finishing something like this that I think you miss out on a lot as a fat girl, you avoid putting yourself out there so much you miss out on doing anything.  But that’s not me anymore, one triathlon down, one 11km trail walk down and I’m really looking forward to the next challenge … I think I know what it is a 5.5km trail run/walk ( http://www.3drotorua.co.nz/default.asp?PageID=23029 ).

Hubby wants to do the duathlon event (an easy 31km mountain bike and 11km trail run) so it’s the perfect opportunity for me to set another goal.  I’ve checked out the tracks and while there is a 10km option, it’s a far harder track (see more hills) so I have decided to enter the 5.5km with the aim of running (or Kelly styled running) a good chunk of it.

So … while I’m still nursing the aches and pains from the last walk I’m already setting my sights on the next one and wondering if my legs are too sore to get on the bike for a ride.  This is not the actions of “old fat Kelly”, she the one in the corner yelling “just go back to bed”.  I may have been in a major slump of late but I think the 11km I completed on Saturday have kicked my butt back into gear … let’s go.

 

 

 

What am I doing?

I must have gone mad … lost my mind … had a major moment of weakness … blanked out … I’m not sure what happened, but for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to do an 11km trail walk.

No I can hear some of you thinking “11km trail walk, that’s not so bad, what’s she worried about?”.  Well … it’s not just a casual “let’s go for a walk” trail walk, it’s an organised, part of a big event, trail walk.  I’m talking pay to enter, get a big number to pin on your shirt, lots of other people doing it to trail walk.  I mean, come on, pay someone so I can do an 11km trail walk, I’m nuts …. right?

My only consolation is I have friends on this walk.  Unlike the triathlon, where no one was brave enough to do it with me (or stupid enough depending on how you look at it), the lovely Laura and he sister have also had moments of madness and decided that 11km sounds like a nice length for a Saturday stroll … oh and while we’re at it let’s pay someone to let us do it.

My dread is brought on by a number of things;

1)  I HATE WALKING … or running.  Of the triathlon disciplines it is by far my worst.  I suck at it, I’m slow and can’t seem to get faster (even my attempt at jogging is ridiculously slow, almost slower than my snail paced walk).  I bang my head against a wall just thinking about it.  I love the idea of going for a walk, or ultimately being able to go for a run, it just doesn’t happen.  All these months and I see improvement on the bike (have I mentioned before how much I love my bike?) but walk/running?  Nope!  Nothing!  Zip!  Grrrrr walking is my nemesis 😦  “Old fat Kelly” is sitting in her corner telling me that it’s because I’m too fat, which I’ll admit is probably part of the reason.  But, I know to reach my goals I need to work on it … doesn’t mean I think an 11km trail walk is a good idea though.

2)  I’ve done next to no exercise in the last … let’s be honest here … probably month.  I’ve slacked right off.  Ignored the fact that I agreed to do this walk and coasted.  Triathlon over, weather is changing, getting darker and darker in the mornings (the time of day I do most of my training),  I totally lost my motivation mojo.  Now I’m here, 4 days out, and I’ve done zip to prepare.  I hope Laura is prepared to drag my butt around.

3)  The slump.  That is what I’m calling this time period in my journey.  I’ve strayed off track and just got myself into a state of blah.  Life has just been blah.  I let this blog slip, I let the exercise slip, I’ve let the eating slip, I’ve let my motivation slip, I’ve kind of let everything slip while I coasted through life.  But I didn’t regress back into full on “old fat Kelly” mode, so it’s just a slump and I’m ready to get over it.

4)  “Old fat Kelly” … that is all … does she need any further explanation?  She’s THE reason for everything really.  The lazy, negative, good for nothing version of myself working constantly to bring down everything I’m working so hard to achieve.  The sad thing is … lately she’s been winning and I’ve been letting her.

So my conclusion … I’m nut’s!  I hate walking but have agreed to do an 11km trail walk.  I’ve been in a slump, let my exercise slip to practically non-existent, and completely ignored this looming hurdle.  But, I’ll do it.  I’ll get off my butt and do the dam 11km trail walk on Saturday.  Why? … because if I don’t “old fat Kelly” wins and I hate when she wins.

Now I know I’ve used this picture before, but I love it and it fits so well at this time here it is again.  It’s my story summed up 🙂

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Hayley’s Story

How the hell did I get to this point?????

 

When putting my name forward to write a post I didn’t really have an inkling about what I would write, so thought I would start with a little about myself. I’m 28, a teacher and live in the Deep South and have the rolling rrrrr that goes with the area I live in. I have an awesome husband who is incredibly supportive of me, yet at times can hinder my success.

 

Weight has always been a bit of an issue for me, I have never been a skinny person, but standing on the scales about three years ago and actually being faced with my weight I had an “oh shit…” moment. I am an emotional eater and tend to head towards some crap food when I am feeling down. Anything sweet and I’m heading towards it. I have a generally unhealthy attitude to food. Not quite sure where it came from in my family, as my mum eats pretty much enough to keep herself alive (along with the caffeine and nicotine) and my dad eats relatively healthy apart from a few extra biscuits when Mum is at work.

 

As a youngster, Mum never let me have sweet foods unless it was a special occasion or Christmas. I didn’t cope well with sweet food as it tended to upset my tummy a wee bit. Yet when I could afford to buy my own food, I was into all the horrid food and really sucked into the junk food market.

 

Now being faced with the daunting prospect of the reality of never being able to have babies due to a combination of PCOS and my weight, I am really scared of staying where I am. I have always wanted a baby by the time I’m 30 and now I’m at the stage of only being 18 months away from this yet my weight is still at least 30kgs higher than I want it to be. They keep saying that losing 5% of your overall body mass would be awesome and help fertility, but I think holy hell, am I really going to be able to do that???

 

Lack of breakfast is my greatest downfall and I am working hard to try and find a way to get over this. I find that often I can’t seem to process oats or things that have too much fibre and a cereal like Weet-bix is the worst!!! I have taken to having banana smoothies with a hint of cinnamon and I love it! That along with my morning ritual coffee is good (as I have a proper espresso machine and like the decent stuff). Lunch is pretty average, a soup, crackers, fruit, yoghurt. After school…. well that is when I am craving the sweet stuff. I have found that saving my apple till after school tends to keep the hunger away until dinner. After getting home and cooking, I eat dinner and actually don’t tend to snack in the evening.

 

Exercise…. I used to consider it an evil word – getting a sweat up not my thing! However a friend and I started C25K in February and I actually enjoyed it, I came home feeling good with endorphins flowing. Then I developed this horrid allergy to something at home and ended up on antibiotics, then developed a stupid headcold that I just couldn’t shake… So end of exercise. Next goal is to get back into it, and I have just loaded some new songs onto my phone to listen to when I am out and about running.

 

Support is one thing that I really couldn’t do without. My mum is a great support and listens to me bitch and complain and suggested that I go and see a nautropath and it was an amazing experience, great ideas to move forward in my life. Without my hubby I really wouldn’t know what to do. He is my rock and I knew the minute I met him that it would just work. He loves me for who I am (I think big boobs kinda helps lol) and always just wants me to be happy and knows that if we wanna have babies, the weight has to go!!!

 

I have a freaking long way to go and have barely started on the journey. Losing the fat girl is never going to be easy. I am off to school camp in August and trying to maintain control over 24 kids in the middle of nowhere will be a challenge but I love it.

 

My next steps are getting back into C25K to slowly move some weight around and build some core muscles (going for a one-off session to TribeCore was helpful).

 

Imagining our future babies needs to be in the forefront of my mind in order to lose the fat girl and be motivated to lose all 35kgs (or thereabouts)

 

PS Thanks Kelly and Laura for the great idea for the Facebook page as a forum to ask questions in a non-judgemental way!